Trying to feel beautiful in a society that tells you: you’re NOT – Part 1

I don’t think I’m attractive.

Not that I hate how I look. The battle to accepting who I am is a tough one. The way society (especially my mom) tells me how I should look like makes me feel like I’m always somehow inadequate. So yes, I love me for me, but I think by society standard I have no sex appeal whatsoever.

My skin color is dark. And not the smooth attractive black skin. I have variation of brown skin thanks to more than 20 years living in the hot and humid weather of Cambodia. My skin is not healthy, I have acne and little scars dotted all over my cheek and forehead. It’s a combat against since puberty.

My weight and height is average for my country: 48-50 kg and 159 cm.

Since I was young I tend to feel rejected. I have a nickname which reference my skin color since I was in grade 1. In the 9th grade, I feel excluded mainly because of the scars on my face since I started to get acne. I distance myself, I don’t want to meet new people, or anyone for that matter. How I look severely affect my confidence.

The person who is most direct on how wrong I look is my family. My mother and my grandmother to be exact. I was scolded for being ugly, and for having acne. I feel ashamed and ugly. Either it’s the stress from family pressure or plainly it’s my puberty, I gain so much weight, I went from 45 kg to 55 kg.

No one in my family is overweight. My 70-year old grandma, my 50-year old father, my 43-year old mother all have proportional figure. They are attractive people so of course my relative always question what’s wrong with me. My uncle once said I’m  not as exotic as my father and not pretty like my mother. You see my father came from an Indian decedent, hence, sharp nose, tall, brown skin, big eyes, dark thick lush hair. And my mother is from a Chinese bloodline – she’s the Cambodian definition of pretty with her fair clear skin and the round face that give her a youthful appearance.

I think I inherit all the bad qualities from each parent. Like society prefer fairer skin and between my father’s dark skin and my mother’s white skin, I inherit the dark skin tone. Between my father’s sharp nose and my mom’s round nose, I got the round nose. And instead of my father’s dark thick hair, mine is thin and frizzy. Neither parents have acne. Neither of them used to be overweight.

 

Advertisements